It’s been a few months since I truly launched the blog. I think it’s finally time for me to spill some of the frugal secrets that I’ve been keeping. These are some of most powerful frugal techniques that I use to keep lifestyle inflation down. These are not beginner techniques. I wouldn’t even recommend trying some of these until you’re two years or more into a frugal lifestyle. These tips will change the way you look at the world, so proceed with caution.
Tip 1: Saving on Coffee
Everyone knows that the $5 coffee is the second leading cause of Millennial poverty. Some so called “frugal” experts will recommend making your own coffee at home in order to save a few bucks a day. Research has shown that 55% of writers who give this advice are on Folgers’ pay roll. I’ve found a great way to save on coffee while not lining papa Folgers’ wallet. I simply go to my nearest coffee shop and grab some gently used coffee grounds. Most shops don’t realize that you can actually brew two pots of coffee with the same grounds. Their loss is my gain: I get free coffee every day.
Tip 2: Kick that Avocado Toast
That brings me to the number one killer of Millennial wealth: avocado toast. While the easy advice is to once again make your own, avocados are still rather expensive when compared to other fruits at the grocery store. I’ve found that a nice thick slice of Granny Smith apple (skin on) gives the same experience as avocado due to the green color of the apple. Give one of these bad Larrys a try and you’ll never buy an avocado again.
Tip 3: Pillows are for Rich People
My wife has been saying that we need new pillows since ours are pretty flat. However, pillows are either really expensive or really bad. I’m not interested in either. I’ve found one item that’s free and provides a nice soft rest when stuffed inside a pillow case: plastic grocery bags. The key is to collect the grocery bags from shopping trips over the course of a few months. Then you can pack them all into a suitcase and enjoy! I’ve never slept better than I do now on a pillow of pure, soft plastic.
Tip 4: Increase Fuel Efficiency Through Innovation
My undergrad education was in mechanical engineering. With the knowledge I learned, I figured out how to supplement the power of my car engine using bike pedals. It simply connects the pedals to the engine’s crankshaft and increases the rate of rotation. By carpooling to work and having the passenger pedal the entire time, I am able to increase my car’s fuel efficiency by 50%. I would love to share my incredible innovation with the world, but since the car manufacturers hold such a stranglehold on the patents, I can only share it with you if you subscribe to the Frugal Jon Journal and send me a message.
Tip 5: Soap is for Dopes
This final one is the final level of frugality. Only the truly hardcore Frugal Jonnies will be able to pull this off. Science shows that 98% of soaps are inactive ingredients that do nothing. Even worse, many soaps leave skin dry. However, there is a secret cleansing object that was used by our Neanderthal forefathers that has been lost to history, until now. Pine cones contain everything necessary for a clean, fragrant body. The pinecone edges’ sweet caress has left me with the supplest skin I have ever felt. Strangers approach me on the street to beg me for my skin secret. I have kept this one under wraps until now. Armed with this knowledge, help me start the skin care revolution.
April Fools!
I so needed this advice. I’ll go out and collect pine cones today.
Haha!
Hilarious! Yes, pillows are for rich people and soap is over rated. I’m suggesting the plastic pillow and pinecone soap idea to my college girl when she asks me for back to school $ in the fall. No need to spend on such frivolous things.
You had me fooled! I was like wait, what??! Until I got to the pillows…